Where the FAQ is Denmark?
An alternative view, courtesy of Kim E. PetersenGeography
Politics
Economics
History
Physical Geography
Where is Denmark located?
Denmark is found at the crossroads of the Scotia Sea and the Bay of Bengal, approximately 250 nautical miles south of Sri Lanka in the Malacca Straight.
Where are the major landforms and bodies of water?
Denmark is a remarkably beautiful though rugged country exemplified by the towering Danish Alps. The tallest of these, Mount Larsen, is the sixth tallest peak in the world. It was named for a brothel situated on the mountain's base, once owned by a Jytte Larsen. This caused great confusion, as people were never sure if Mount Larsen was referring to the peak or the intention of one of the clients. A single lake, named Haagen Dazs, is twice the size of Montana and was the namesake for the famous ice cream first created on its shores. (Haagen Dazs, interestingly enough, translates from the Old Danish Norse as "weasel fritter," though how it came to be associated with ice cream is anyone's guess.)
What is the climate?
It is often said that while the people and food will keep you away, the climate is what always brings you back. And how true that is! Denmark is blessed with year 'round sun and a temperate, near-tropical climate. It is for this reason that Denmark is the leading producer of bananas, guacamole, and fruit flies in the Southern Hemisphere! Unfortunately, attendant with this jungle-like weather is the fact that more people die from malaria in Denmark than they do from spoiled herring, a tragedy of untold proportions. (Denmark is currently receiving aid from the African Relief Foundation to try to find solutions to this long-standing killer. However, due to poor education and rampant superstitions, mosquitoes are actually raised as pets by many Danish families in the mistaken belief that they bring prosperity to their owners.)
Are there major cities, states, etc?
No, Denmark has no major cities or states, and is renowned for being the only member of the United Nations without a capital city! While Copenhagen is often erroneously listed as the capital, the name in Danish is actually København, which translates into "Where are we?" a frequent question by both denizens and visitors to this backward country.
Politics
What form of government is in use?
Denmark is the oldest practitioner of Pornocracy in the world. Compared to some flaccid styles of government, Denmark's is robust and penetrating. Denmark has been called the "Viagra of Nations" by single men everywhere and is a particular favorite of President Bill Clinton!
What are the political beliefs and ideologies of the Danish?
Danes are reticent in their opinions, feeling culturally and intellectually inferior to countries like the US, Canada, and Ivory Coast. Their strong deistic beliefs parallel those found in the more developed portions of New Guinea, though not as complex or colorful. Among the country-folk and cave-dwelling Jutlanders, there is still a strong belief in Kris Kringle who is said to inhabit the ornate wienerbrød of almost the same name (and who inspired the creation of Santa Claus in the Western Hemisphere, though why is still a mystery). While averse to public gatherings, Danes do gather together on the anniversary of the signing of the Louisiana Purchase, when young and old sing the national anthem, which interestingly is also the Dutch national anthem sung backwards.
What is the history of the government (revolutions, monarchies, assassinations, wars, civil wars)?
Denmark's first government was established in 1907 when Lars Hansen was elected King by a gathering of fellow Shriners and Masons. The first act of King Hansen was to create a governing body to represent the will of the people. This body became known as the "Yumpin Yiminy," with over 375 representatives from all over Denmark as members. Unfortunately, as there are no known major cities or towns, the Yumpin Yiminy has never convened as none of the members can find one another.
What are Denmark's relations with the United States and other countries?
Due to longstanding disputes over the rightful ownership of the United States, and pending litigation in the 5th Circuit Court of Arizona, Denmark does not recognize the United States. (Leif Eriksen, a Danish victim of the infamous Frikadeller War and part of the subsequent Diaspora of Danes, discovered America, landing in what is now Newark, New Jersey. He left without having his discovery notarized, perhaps because the massive pollution aggravated his sinuses.) In fact, because of similar disputes with much of the rest of the world, Denmark's current King, King Hamlet XI, only recognizes the countries of Spain, Belgium, and Madagascar (although he is said to find France very familiar).
Economics
In what ways do the Danish work?
In all but Jutland, standing upright and using their recently acquired prehensile thumbs.
What are the major industries?
Gravel excavation, manufacturing the valve stem covers for car tires, and providing sperm donations to the impoverished and inbred Swedes.
What types of agriculture or fishing are done?
Because of the sandy soil, little of consequence grows in Denmark (save for discontent, as the old saying goes). Fishing has been historically significant, but as Danes have yet to build reliable boats that don't sink - coupled with their overwhelming fear of water - they are left to fish from the banks of their shorelines. Consequently, their catch is little more than the odd guppy and sea snake. Danes subsist almost entirely on tofu and Coca-Cola.
What type of economic system is in use (capitalist, socialist, etc.)?
Denmark is a laissez-faire capitalist economy, having outlawed charities in 1956 in the famous Rød Grød Decree that also required military service for all young men over the age of 16 and proclaimed "all young men under 16 are now 16."
Connections with the Past and Present
Does Denmark have significant events from 1000 years ago? 500 years ago? 100 years ago? 25 years ago?
Due to the unappealing landscape and rampant diseases, Denmark was not settled until late in the 19th century! While making for a paucity of significant events, it does have the advantage that history lessons are completed in Danish schools in about two days.
What events or persons have had a dramatic impact on Denmark?
Strangely, only two people are revered in Denmark - the King notwithstanding - and they are John Galt and Evelyn and Her Magic Flute. No one really knows why, however.
Is there an era or period of time in which Denmark experienced a "golden age"?
Yes! Following the introduction of the VCR, the Danish people felt a cultural emancipation, and since that time many a Dane has pointed to this period as her "Golden Age"! Others disagree, however, and point to the fact that TVs are prohibited by law and that the VCR is of little use save for dropping off rooftops on street mimes.
Are there any problems Denmark has faced or is facing now?
Chronic shortages of food and athletic cups have long plagued the misbegotten citizens of Denmark. The latter may explain the meek and defensive playing style of the Danish World Cup Team.
What does the future look like for Denmark?
This is unclear at present due to the recent bankruptcy of the Psychic Friends Network, who are best suited to answer such a question. You may have to contact Dionne Warwick for an answer.
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